Tuesday, March 1, 2016

This Means War



People call it the new “ultimate dis.” Whatever that means.

But whatever it means, it hurts way more than it has the right to.

When battlelines are drawn with invisible, silent walls, my grim thoughts name the circumstances The 2nd Cold War.

Only, I don’t want to fight.

But when you’ve done all that you can do – you painfully realize relationships take two.

It leaves me feeling caged. Powerless. Trapped in a nightmare I now call my life.

Like I’m in a padded cell looking through a two-way mirror, but the straight jacket won’t let me move, and the duct tape over my mouth won’t let me speak.

It’s enough to make you feel like you could scream… or cry. Most days I do both.

That’s what it’s like when God asks you to continue to wait and it feels as if the very effort of waiting will be the death of you.

But the other day, God gave me this;



“Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against the flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:11-12



And He told me it wasn’t only for the other person, it was for me too.


In an instant of sudden clarity, I realized that this wasn’t a Cold War, it was Full. Out. Raging War.

The kind that leaves solders dying on the road. Pools of blood and grungy dirt, rotting rations of food and the cold metal of bullets.

The kind that are hot with the fires of hell. 

And I realized something else – Satan was winning.
It seems so wrong for a Christian to say that, right? I don’t mean the winner of the big picture battle – Jesus has already won. I mean the little skirmishes down on earth that we fight day to day.

Satan was crushing the battle for my heart.


Too many days I let go of hope. Too many days have been darkened by bitter anger. Too many days have gone by without a drop of joy to be seen.

When I realized that Satan was making this battle personal, that it wasn’t so much about relationship as if was about my heart, I got angry.

How dare he?

In that moment of revelation I got down on my knees and I declared war.

No more hiding, no more just trying to get by, no more passively waiting.

It was time to do something.

It was time to fight.

I resolved for a whole week to do nothing but engage in battle in the heavenly realms.

It would be my “Fast From Life.”

No school. No intellectual pursuits. No movies or video games. No dessert. Basically if it was an unneeded luxury that I would use to forget my pain and problems, I cut it out. I took care of only the bare responsibilities each day. Work, laundry, and eating.

Every other moment I’d spend taking up my Sword (God’s word) and doing battle (through prayer).


It was an intense week that was at times refreshing, other times exhausting. 

I prayed so hard and so constantly that by the end of the week I had run out of words to pray. I’d read the Psalms out loud when that happened, or go on walks with God and just be still in His presence.

What started out as an intense petition for God to work His power and miracles in my circumstances turned into a focus on my own relationship with God and who He is.

I believe any time of earnestly seeking God will eventually turn into an examination of how you see God and how you think He sees you.

And that turns into worship.



At the beginning of this battle I was despairing and upset. The second day I almost gave up entirely as an unexplainable anger and despairing darkness filled my heart.

I raged against God, not against Satan.

I blamed Him for everything.

Ultimately that was the turning point of the battle, though. God showed me that He wouldn’t give up on me even if I gave up on Him. He loved me even as I cursed Him to His face.

This led me to repentance for the blaspheming words I spoke against Him. Faithless, ugly words of despair - but words of wind.




Now I stand in the victory that Jesus has given me, at the end of my week-long battle, and a peace and joy now fills my heart where once fearful, angry self-pity stayed. 

This is due to God telling me two things. Things I knew with my head, but now I truly believe with my heart.

One: God is good. The kind of good that I can trust. He is working for my good and will not fail to give me every good thing. I truly believe now that His plans for my life are good plans.

Two: God is strong. He will work in powerful ways in my circumstances and will make the impossible possible. He is fighting for me and is working on my behalf as I wait in trusting peace.

He is still telling me to wait. But that’s alright. As I wait I can pray, and prayer is much more than a little thing. It is everything.

The future is unknown, but as long as it is called Today, I will obediently walk with my Lord.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

My Favorite Song A Year Ago Today

Day 30! - Your favorite song this time last year

This was surprisingly easy to find on Spotify. I went into my favorites playlist, ordered them by date added and found the songs I added on this very day a year ago. It was a bunch of songs from Switchfoot's then new album, Fading West. My favorite at that time (and still very much today as well) is Slipping Away. It was like Switchfoot had taken my heart and fears at that time and put it into a song that couldn't have fit me better if I had written it myself. I think I even wasn't able to sleep very well through the night back then, which is what the song sings about!

So ends another monthly challenge. I'm not sure when I'll start another one right now. I am also currently doing a daily challenge for a year with my sister, so it can all be a bit much to keep up with. Whether I'll just start posting that year challenge on here daily or not, I haven't decided yet. Everything is a bit up in the air right now.





Remember coming home at four in the morning
Before the sun was up
Back when the east was a fire of gold
Just waiting for the rest of the sky to fall in love

Our hope is just a metaphor, of something better
For all of our dreams tonight
And fear is just a shadow of the things that matter the most
And I fear that I'm losing hope tonight

Oh oh
I feel like I'm dreaming
Oh oh
Staring up at the ceiling
Oh oh
It's four in the morning
I can't sleep and it feels like a warning
Oh oh
You wouldn't believe me
If I could say it just the way that I'm feeling
Oh oh
The words that I wanted to say
I feel them slipping away

Remember that kid with the quivering lip
Whose heart was on his sleeve like a first aid kit
Where are you now? Where are you now?

Remember that kid, didn't know when to quit
I still lose my breath when I think about it
Oh, where'd you go?
(Oh where'd you go?)

Oh oh
I feel like I'm dreaming
Oh oh
Staring up at the ceiling
Oh oh
It's four in the morning
I can't sleep and it feels like a warning
Oh oh
You wouldn't believe me
If I could say it just the way that I'm feeling
Oh oh
The words that I wanted to say
I feel them slipping away

I know this isn't what you wanted
Past words in the present are haunting us now
And on and on and on and on
My heartbeat could tell you it's urgent
I try to shout but the words don't come out
I feel I'm slipping away

Oh oh
I feel like I'm dreaming
Oh oh
Staring up at the ceiling
Oh oh
It's four in the morning
I can't sleep and it feels like a warning
Oh oh
You wouldn't believe me
If I could say it just the way that I'm feeling
Oh oh
The words that I wanted to say
I feel them slipping away

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

A Song From My Childhood

Day 29 - A song from your childhood

Nothing speaks to me about childhood more than Go Fish. Their silly, fun music is the essence of childhood. One song I especially loved when I was little was My Very Own Church. I always thought all those things they sung about in the song would make church much more fun.



 If I had a church this is what I’d do
I’d put a pop machine in the back of every pew
And we would only sing songs that were picked by me
And we would get out just in time to watch football on tv


At my church, whoa
I’m talkin’ ‘bout my very own church
At my church, whoa
I’m singin’ ‘bout my very own church
Yes, if I had a church there’s a lot I’d do
I’d make sure everyone was nice and I would be nice too
And the very best thing I’m happy to report
Is everybody would love God,
Yet the sermons would be short!


With my bulletin the usher would give me some Taco Bell
And perhaps a little something with a crunchy candy shell
And when the sermons over and our time is at an end
We’ll be countin’ down the minutes ‘til we can once again attend...

Monday, February 22, 2016

A Song that Makes Me Feel Guilty

Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty

How is a song supposed to make me feel guilty? This was a tough one to find. I don't make a habit of listening to songs that make me feel guilty. My conscious already does an overly good job of that all day long. I finally found a couple though, by Relient K. The one I picked is I So Hate Consequences.



And I'm good, good, good to go
I got to get away
Get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Consequences
Oh God, don't make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don't want to deal with that

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn't get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn't turning out the way I want

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I'm so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
I hate these consequences
Because I know that I let you down
Now I don't wanna deal with that


Wednesday, February 17, 2016

A Song I Wish I Could Play

Day 27 - A song you wish you could play

I wish I could play just about every single piano song that is out there. Put I hate to put in the practice, so I'll never get past the couple that I've got memorized. One that would be so cool to be able to play is To Zanarkand from Final Fantasy X.



 

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

A Song I Can Play on an Instrument

Day 26 - A song that you can play on an instrument

Although when I play it it doesn't sound like the song very much, I can play the sheet music for How To Save A Life by The Fray on the piano. I think the sheet music I'm using isn't exactly what's in the song, or I have no sense of rhythm. probably both. I'm not musically talented.


Step one, you say, "We need to talk."
He walks, you say, "Sit down. It's just a talk."
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
'Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
Pray to God, he hears you
And I pray to God, he hears you

And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

How to save a life 

Monday, February 15, 2016

A Song that Makes Me Laugh

Day 25 - A song that makes you laugh

Myspace Girl by The Afters. It's about a guy who is creepily - but still innocently - obsessed with a waitress and thinks she's in love with him just by the way she tells him to have a good day. It's a really fun song.


I saw you once, it was enough
You asked me what I wanted, I want you
But I replied, I'll have some fries
So mesmerized, my heart was over driving through

I saw your name and unashamed
I searched within 500 miles to find
Any clue just as to who I've fallen for
Cause you've got me and I've got time

I saw your picture on Myspace
Maybe someday we can turn it into ourspace baby
I don't care how long it takes
I'm saving space in my top 8 for you

The second time you were so nice
I loved the way told me to enjoy my day
But I know what you meant to say instead
Was really that you wanted us to run away

I said let's go, I'll pack my clothes
Just promise me you'll wear that purple dress you have
You look so cute when you're confused
You backed away and asked me how I new about that

I know you're scared
I know our love is crazy
And I'm so crazy
You make me crazy
For you