Boasting about my Weakness

There’s this video game, Kingdom Hearts, which I really love and, consequently have replayed at least four or five times. The beginning of it starts out in a dream; the calling to the quest that’s about to begin. Here you make decisions that’ll affect the rest of the game; whether strength, magic, or defense will be the most important and which the least. Near the end of this dream, Sora, the main character, is asked three hard questions. One of those questions is “What are you most afraid of?" There are three options to choose from; getting old, being different, or being indecisive. None of these options are actually fears of mine; so I always put growing old. No one really wants to grow old (at least, that’s the opinion of this teen!)

But it makes me ask myself… what am I most afraid of? Most people would probably say dying, ending up alone, or financial ruin. Those things are all a little scary; but they’re most certainly not my greatest fear. So what is my greatest fear? When I answer that question honestly, the answer is this; it’s being weak. My greatest fear is that I’ll be too weak. It has been ever since I was little. But what do I mean by “weak”? Everything, really; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m afraid I’ll be too weak to endure physical hardships, so that I’ll be considered just another weak girl. I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle emotional stress and I’ll break down and cry. I’m afraid that when the time comes to show where I stand; I’ll be too weak; I won’t say “no.”

 My greatest fear is that when I need to stand my ground and be strong, I’ll fail.

So I train; I make myself strong. I exercise to build my muscles; I wear a mask to hide emotions; I pull away and play it safe. Because I’m afraid I’ll be weak. But there’s something I’ve learned as I’ve grown older; I don’t have to be strong enough. It’s alright to be weak because God is strong enough. He will give me the strength I need when the time comes; I don’t have to be afraid. There’s a verse that I absolutely love; 2 Cor. 12:9

“But he said to me; ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

And that’s what I’m doing; boasting about my weakness. Because it’s not about me, it’s about how great God is! But to tell you the truth, I’ll be surprised if anyone sees this besides me. That’s another big fear of mine, letting people know what’s really going on behind my mask. This kind of writing belongs in my journal, not published for the world to see. But I want to be real with people also; I’m sick of masks. I also want to tell of all the amazing things God is doing in my life. And to do that, I’m going to have to pull away this mask I’m wearing.

Exercise and train

Push limits,

Endure pain

When next time comes ‘round

I won’t be weak,

I’ll stand my ground

Lock the door

Secure my heart

Live in loneliness evermore

When next time comes ‘round

I won’t be weak

I’ll stand my ground

A friend’s smile

Warm hellos

Melt the cold for a while

When next time comes ‘round

Will I be weak?

Will I stand my ground?