People call it the new “ultimate dis.” Whatever that means.
But whatever it means, it hurts way more than it has the
right to.
When battlelines are drawn with invisible, silent walls, my
grim thoughts name the circumstances The
2nd Cold War.
Only, I don’t want to fight.
But when you’ve done all that you can do – you painfully
realize relationships take two.
It leaves me feeling caged. Powerless. Trapped in a
nightmare I now call my life.
Like I’m in a padded cell looking through a two-way mirror,
but the straight jacket won’t let me move, and the duct tape over my mouth won’t
let me speak.
It’s enough to make you feel like you could scream… or cry.
Most days I do both.
That’s what it’s like when God asks you to continue to wait
and it feels as if the very effort of waiting will be the death of you.
But the other day, God gave me this;
“Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against the flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:11-12
And He told me it wasn’t only for the other person, it was
for me too.
In an instant of sudden clarity, I realized that this wasn’t
a Cold War, it was Full. Out. Raging War.
The kind that leaves solders dying on the road. Pools of
blood and grungy dirt, rotting rations of food and the cold metal of bullets.
The kind that are hot with the fires of hell.
And I realized something else – Satan was winning.
It seems so wrong for a Christian to say that, right? I don’t
mean the winner of the big picture battle – Jesus has already won. I mean the
little skirmishes down on earth that we fight day to day.
Satan was crushing the battle for my heart.
Too many days I let go of hope. Too many days have been
darkened by bitter anger. Too many days have gone by without a drop of joy to
be seen.
When I realized that Satan was making this battle personal,
that it wasn’t so much about relationship as if was about my heart, I got
angry.
How dare he?
In that moment of revelation I got down on my knees and I declared
war.
No more hiding, no more just trying to get by, no more passively
waiting.
It was time to do something.
It was time to fight.
I resolved for a whole week to do nothing but engage in
battle in the heavenly realms.
It would be my “Fast From Life.”
No school. No intellectual pursuits. No movies or video
games. No dessert. Basically if it was an unneeded luxury that I would use to
forget my pain and problems, I cut it out. I took care of only the bare responsibilities
each day. Work, laundry, and eating.
Every other moment I’d spend taking up my Sword (God’s word)
and doing battle (through prayer).
It was an intense week that was at times refreshing, other
times exhausting.
I prayed so hard and so constantly that by the end of the
week I had run out of words to pray. I’d read the Psalms out loud when that
happened, or go on walks with God and just be still in His presence.
What started out as an intense petition for God to work His
power and miracles in my circumstances turned into a focus on my own relationship
with God and who He is.
I believe any time of earnestly seeking God will eventually
turn into an examination of how you see God and how you think He sees you.
And that turns into worship.
At the beginning of this battle I was despairing and upset.
The second day I almost gave up entirely as an unexplainable anger and despairing
darkness filled my heart.
I raged against God, not against Satan.
I blamed Him for everything.
Ultimately that was the turning point of the battle, though.
God showed me that He wouldn’t give up on me even if I gave up on Him. He loved
me even as I cursed Him to His face.
This led me to repentance for the blaspheming words I spoke
against Him. Faithless, ugly words of despair - but words of wind.
Now I stand in the victory that Jesus has given me, at the
end of my week-long battle, and a peace and joy now fills my heart where once
fearful, angry self-pity stayed.
This is due to God telling me two things. Things I knew with
my head, but now I truly believe with my heart.
One: God is good. The kind of good that I can trust. He is
working for my good and will not fail to give me every good thing. I truly believe
now that His plans for my life are good plans.
Two: God is strong. He will
work in powerful ways in my circumstances and will make the impossible
possible. He is fighting for me and is working on my behalf as I wait in
trusting peace.
He is still telling me to wait. But that’s alright. As I
wait I can pray, and prayer is much more than a little thing. It is everything.
The future is unknown, but as long as it is called Today, I
will obediently walk with my Lord.
