From My Sketchbook: Portraits 7 & 8

 I'm starting to get into a good rhythm for sticking to my drawing time. Lately I've been able to finish each portrait in only two weeks!

Where I Belong

May 7: Three gifts about Home

1. Our front door that looks out on the sunrise

2. The farming country, with the sun rising on red barns

3. Falling asleep with the window open and hearing the night alive with sounds

While waiting for breakfast I glance out the window. To the far left, just beyond sight, the sun baths the world warm. Impulsively, I sprint out of the room and down our long entrance hallway. I come to a halt at the door; the whiteness of the walls and door and ceiling all glowing in the direct sunlight makes the place feel surreal. Built in blinds obstruct my view a little so I pull down on the side slider and the blinds whizz up. The fresh sun rising over the tree tops nearly blinds me. I gaze upwards at the blue, blue sky and the clouds that look to threaten another grey day. But for now, I bask in the light of the sun.

Driving to Little Sister’s school to drop her off, I watch the dramatic stage being set all around me. Little Sister, still feeling sick and coughing, put off taking the tiny red pill and cap full of orange goo for as long as possible. So long, that she couldn’t make the bus. That meant Mom was driving her. And whenever Mom drives her, I come along. Don’t ask me why, I’m not even 100% sure myself, only that whenever there’s a chance to get out of the house and enjoy a car ride – no matter how short it will be – I’m game. Today, I’m especially glad I came. The dark sky stands dramatic against trees and buildings. The golden sun, made richer by the darkening skies, still shines through on the other side of the sky. The farm buildings are lit up fiery red, and the fields are rich browns and golds. The trees, still bare from the winter, are also plunged into this glorious golden bath. And behind it all is a moody, deep blue darkness gathering. Whenever the weather stands in such stark contrast to itself, I feel as if the whole world is on the edge of something; as if the stage is set dramatically and this is the moment before the storm is unleashed; before the villain is vanquished.

 

Coming home this evening from youth group, Mom and I watched the skies as they rumbled and burst with sparks. The towering clouds looked like castles and hidden realms of mystery as the lightning illuminated the architecture of the skies. Earlier, before the water had been poured down on us, forcing us all inside, we had watched a large cloud reaching further and further to blot out the sky. It was mentioned that it looked like the mushroom cloud of a nuclear bomb. Now, I curl up under my blankets for the night, with the lightning far away, and the rain long since stopped. The window is open and a cool breeze drifts in softly. The air is washed clean by the rain, and the atmosphere is made richer by the lightning. Outside, frogs croak loudly, along with several other chirps and calls that I can’t place. I lay still and listen; it’s like an orchestra. And it sounds like home.

The Day Dawns Brave

May 6: Three Gifts in Christ

1. Walking through the field and sharing my worries with Him

2. Finding rest in Him when I run dry

3. Being in His presence as I look at His world through the lens of a camera

With the weather finally warming up, my frequent trips out to our front yard begin again. A concept that I’ve always found intriguing, and wanting to apply to my own life, is the idea that the outdoors can become as comfortable to one as the indoors. These past couple summers I’ve worked on trying to put that concept into practice. It’s so freeing when you can change your perspective and for even just a few moments view the whole world as one big gigantic home and that you belong exactly where you are at that moment. And that concept becomes all the more appealing as our senior living home becomes more filled up with people. One by one my private spots I’d retreat to get away from the human race disappear. Thankfully we’ve got a sprawling front yard. The freedom to speak out loud; either to myself or to God, and not worry about others hearing and thinking I belong in a psych ward, is something that I’d never experienced in our tiny yard in the suburbs of the Cities. So that’s where I find myself wandering to this morning; as the week ahead of me lays out exciting and scary. I talk with Jesus, telling Him my fears and worries for the upcoming week. Out here in the field, with the wind blowing in my face, all the problems seem to melt away.

By lunch time I can feel the life draining out of me. Literally. My muscles barely want to hold up my head. The chili in front of me looks exactly like the last thing I want to put into my mouth right now. I try any way. But evidently my eyes were more in tune with my stomach than my mind, because my stomach feels queasy as I swallow. Pushing the bowl away, I realize I don’t even feel hungry. I cram another corn bread into my mouth just for calorie’s sake and swallow a couple more mandarin oranges. Then I get up and leave the table. Going into my room, I worry that I might be getting sick. The window is open and the breeze coming in makes me shiver. Curled up on my bed, I whisper to God; “all I need is rest. Let my soul find rest.” Then, though I know I shouldn’t, I fall asleep.

The skies have clouded over again and as I wait for Mom to come pick me up I take pictures. I had volunteered to be the photographer for an outreach ministry that mentors kids as they interact with horses and learn to ride them. The girls brushed the horses and braided their hair, and I took pictures. Afterwards, I wandered aimlessly down the driveway of the farm, letting the camera lead me from one picture to another. While I stood and waited, I talked with the dog. At first all he did was growl at me; but as I made it clear to him that it didn’t matter to me what he thought about me, he settled down and just sat and watched me. Gazing up, the white barn towers above me. The white painted weather vane spins in the strong gusts of wind. A farmer drives a tractor through his field nearby, plowing or planting; I’m not sure. I slow and take it all in. See. Feel. Capture. This is what I remind myself as I slowly set each picture up, waiting for the right moment; the right feeling. I feel the simple peace of coming outside of the complicated problems going in circles inside of me as I look at the world through eyes of wonder and then focus on capturing that moment as I experience it. So this is what I am… a poet that captures what she sees and feels; trying desperately to share just a little piece of the world that she experiences. I take a deep breath of dusty, windy air and thank God. It’s all so beautiful and I feel like I’m where I belong.

The Sign of a Smiling Snack

May 5: A Gift in a Sign, a Smile, and a Snack

1. The graphics for the Wide Awake Coffee Co.

2. A friend’s smile on a graduation invitation

3. Apple sauce in the morning

Walking down the grocery store aisle with my Mom, I see it and start laughing. It always makes me laugh. That graphic on the coffee bag, the one with an eagle but his eyes are bugging out of his head twice the normal size. That’s Wide Awake Coffee Co. for you. Today, the pink poodle with those same caffeinated wide eyes for the French Vanilla roast catches my attention the most. While Mom shopped for whatever she was looking for in that aisle, I just stand there and grin big at the bug eyed animals.

Going about my day, I end up passing by the cork board in the kitchen a lot. Mom puts all of the pictures that we get in Christmas cards onto this board. Graduation announcements get put here too. Whenever I pass by, my eyes glance over the wall of faces. Normally it’s mostly a lot of relatives that, although I recognize faces, can’t put names to. But this year there’s several pictures of friends mixed in with the group as well. Today, three graduation invitations at the very top draw my main attention. Seeing the smiles of three of my best friends causes an automatic smile to cross my face as well as I walk by with a basket full of laundry. 

A small container of apple sauce has been sitting on the top shelf of the fridge with my name written on it for the last few days. The first day I had gotten it out to eat with my meal, but after I cracked the seal, I realized I wanted cottage cheese instead. So I put it in the fridge to have as a snack sometime later (sometime is the key word). I tried to have it on Sunday, but with my stomach being unhappy with me; it only caused me to have a stomach ache. I pushed the plastic container away, giving it a confused and hurt look at its betrayal of me. This morning, I decided to give it a second chance and had it for my morning snack. It tasted beautiful and refreshing, everything unsweetened apple sauce should be. The half container satisfied me so well that I put back the granola bar, unopened.

In Which I have an Early Morning

May 4: Three Gifts Before 9 AM

1.  Flora and Ulysses at 4 AM in the morning

2. Peppermint Tea and Tums for an unhappy stomach

3. Watching/Listening to Elijah Wood read Me and My Cat

Stretched out on the couch (more like scrunched up, because it’s so short), I breathe slow to calm myself. I am alone in my island of light. It’s 4 am, and the darkness seems oppressive at the edges of the light. Waking up with a stomach ache is bad enough, not being able to get back to sleep is even worse. Especially when you know you. Need. The. Sleep. And I tell my body, “no, not this morning, please! Let me go to sleep!” I can get a little panicky if I try too hard to fall asleep with no success, and with enough repeats of nights like these, I have found the best thing to do is to not try to sleep. To try and trick my body into thinking that all I want is to stay up and do something. Or think about something. Then my rebellious body will most likely cause me to fall asleep. So that’s what I do. I grab the book that I’m reading, Flora and Ulysses by Kate DiCamillo, and go out into the living room; turn on the spot light that makes the brass of the fireplace shine golden. It’s the perfect amount of light, enough to read easily, but dim enough to encourage sleep at the same time. I laugh as Flora smuggles the squirrel Ulysses into a donut shop, where the super powered squirrel goes from being caught up in the waitress’s hair to flying through the air, avoiding the angry chef brandishing a flashing knife. Then smack! the poor squirrel hits the glass door. His first three thoughts after the collision causes me to giggle again; “I flew! Where’s Flora? Is that a piece of donut!?” I let the book fall a little and I sleepily contemplate Ulysses’ love for Flora. It’s so pure and sweet, completely free of romance. The concept of love is so much more than kisses and hugs. Love is the pure song of the heart that warms even on the stormiest days, it’s the smile that lights up your face when a good friend walks into the room, it’s laughter with family. Ulysses wrote a poem (yes, a squirrel!) about that feeling, when he looked at the grass and sky and Flora, and I absolutely love it!

“I love your round head,

The brilliant green,

The watching blue,

These letters,

This world, you.

I am very, very hungry.”

And I fall asleep with these warm, happy thoughts drifting around in my head. When I wake with a start, I look at my watch; 6:39 am. At least that’s an extra hour of sleep. But I’ve got to get up. Gotta get ready for church!

Because my stomach is still grumbling against me, my diet for breakfast is very frugal. Peppermint tea, a Tums, and a strawberry fruit bar. Peppermint tea is “my” tea. I asked Mom to get it for me when I found out about its health benefits. Now, whenever I either need to make sure my stomach stays happy with me, but especially when it gets grumpy, I have a cup. But one thing I’ve forgotten lately is the psychological benefits of simply slowing life down and drinking the tea while looking out the window in the afternoon. I don’t do that enough nowadays.

I take the tea up to the computer room. Yesterday I found a video of Elijah Wood (my favorite actor!) reading a book called Me and My Cat. I left the window up, deciding that I’d find time to watch it sometime later. I decide that sitting and sipping a cup of tea while trying to not be stressed about whether I can make it to church or not is the perfect time to listen to a picture book being read aloud by my favorite actor. Little Sister comes into the room. Whenever I talk with her about Elijah Wood, or show her something about him, I feel guarded. Because she’s got (or had?) a crush on him, I dread what she might say. My response usually is “No, he is not ----! He’s cool, that’s all. Don’t be disgusting!” She’ll just laugh at my good natured outburst. She’s used to me acting like this whenever she talks about a guy in the wrong way. I’m afraid our views of the male population are as different as black and white. But still, we both enjoy sitting there, listening to the story.

“If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.” - Abraham Lincoln

May 3: Three Gifts Found in Difficult People

1. The fact that Little Sister was too sick to go with me to Comic Con

2. Little Sister telling me I'm a good director

3. The way Little Sister wears bright colors all the time

 

One of the items on my unofficial bucket list is to go to a Comic Con convention. So you can imagine my extreme excitement when Mom came into the room that I share with Little Sister where we’re both hanging out (she was home from school sick) and she told us that there’s going to be a Comic Con in the Cities! And on top of that, Dad was going to the Cities the next day to do some yard work on our old house. So for the rest of the day we all excitedly planned and dreamed how Little Sister and I would be dropped off at the convention in the morning and then be picked up later in the afternoon. The only thing was the price; $90.00 for two tickets, and the fact that Little Sister was sick. Mom said that she’d be fine paying the price for us, since this was such a unique experience, and I was confident (in my usual optimistic way) that Little Sister would be fine the next day. Plus, Sean Austin was going to be there!! That’s a bit of context for this morning. I wake up, and she’s coughing. Then she takes forever to decide whether she’ll be able to go or not; this is because she really wants to go, but is scared that she’ll be too sick to. Dad leaves at 7 am, and we’re running out of time to decide. We haven’t even bought the tickets yet! So I decide for us. We’re not going, not this time. There always is, of course, the possibility of me going all on my own… but I didn’t sleep well the night before and am not feeling half as brave as I was yesterday. But it’s just as well, I tell myself. There are things that need to get done here at home. I’m actually even a little bit thankful.

Having watched some of FinalCutKing’s amazing films, as well as his behind the scenes and interviews; Little Sister and I have caught the filmmaking bug again. Because we stayed home from Comic Con, we now have the whole day to film! Or at the least… dream about filming. Little Sister get’s this idea for a short film where one of us touches the other, causing that person to vanish. It’s finally beautiful outside after a week of grey, cold, rainy weather, so we head outside to film. After taking several retakes, we get some good footage; but I feel as if I’ve been a bit too bossy and short-tempered directing Little Sister. I always feel like that after filming with her. I apologize to her if I was being too demanding but she responds with something a little surprising; “you’re a good director, Tina!” This encouragement makes me feel as if maybe I’ll actually be able to be a filmmaker someday. Or even, start being one now!

Okay, I admit it. All three of these things today are taken from Little Sister. She’s the only one I have the guts to call difficult and talk about it, because I know she doesn’t mind. Besides, there are very few difficult people in my life; I’m the kind of person who likes just about everyone. We’re eating supper, and I look over at her, trying to find the third thing for the day. She’s wearing her baggy, bright yellow shirt, with bright bracelets of several different colors. I like looking at the colors. That’s something I like about her fashion style. She’s bold. Her bright red pants, neon green stripped shirt, or orange baggy T-shirt. Almost everything in her wardrobe is colorful and it’s always fun to see what she’ll wear. I find that things that are bright, bold, or have pops of quirkiness or uniqueness always catch my attention in fashion. Things that make me smile, and Little Sister has plenty of that kind of clothing.